Movie Review: The Island

As always, I warn of Spoilers




The Movie in Question: The Island


I. Plot (20 points):
Okay, okay. We all know why I went to this movie, and it wasn't the plot that first grabbed me. Trying to pretend otherwise is insulting. But there was kind of an interesting premise in there... That whole 'are clones of humans human?' thing, and the 'would you buy a clone for spare parts if you could?' question as well. I remember sitting in my high school biology class with Coach Weaver prattling on up front about something or other (I never listened in that infamous class with its infamous Coach Weaver; to listen would be to detract from actually learning something. I had one of the highest test averages in that class but one of the lowest homeworks because I refused to do his busy work. That Church of Christ Sexist Creationist Jerk should not have been teaching that class) and out of the constant stream of "blah-blah-blah-blah" he says, "Wouldn't it be neat to have a clone of yourself? You could have him follow you around and use his parts when yours broke." And I remember thinking to myself, "Oh my God, this man has no idea about what constitutes life at all." Because even then it was obvious to me, a clone of a human being is still a human being! JESUS. Just because they have identical genetic material to one of the other billions of nearly identical poop machines running around the planet doesn't mean they don't have thoughts and feelings and blood running in their veins. The problem with the plot is that this question seemed as obvious to the creators here and so they pretty much just ignored it entirely. Are the clones human? Yes. RUN AWAY {aquafina} MINDLESS EXPLOSION RUN SOMEMORE {x-box} WE'RE ON A TRAIN HEY THAT GIRL LOOKS LIKE ME OMG I'M TOTALLY YOUR CLONE {cadillac} EXPENSIVE CAR LETS HAVE SEX BIG FAN BLOW UP GEE BOROMIR SORRY YOU BIT IT AGAIN {puma shoes}
Part I Total: 10 points


II. Acting (20 points):
Ah, here's the meat and potatoes for me. Because this movie stars a few of my current dream-haunts: Ewan McGregor's Mouth, Chin, and Forehead. Also his Chest, Back, and Arms. All that's missing is his wang, but I've seen that one enough for one lifetime. Oh who am I kidding. I could never get enough of that man's wang. I don't think you're going to get away from my Ewan McGregor bias (I can't help it, he has pretty eyes and an impish grin) but I'll try to be good here. Personally I thought he did a very good job with what he was working with, and I particularly liked him playing against himself. Scarlett Johansson was alright, I'm used to seeing better from her, but it may just be she's not exactly action movie stuff. Steve Buscemi played his skeezy but soft-hearted Steve Buscemi role to a tee, of course. And Sean Bean was...ah...Sean Bean...so debonair...yes Mr. Bean, I would like to go to dinner with you...wait...what was I talking about?
Part II Total: 15 points


III. Characters (20 points):
McGregor's two characters are summed up thusly:
Lincoln Six-Echo: I am curious and naive and I like puppies. Look at my wide blue-green eyes. Can I have some bacon?
Tom Lincoln: I caught hepatitis from a skank ho but I enjoy being a total shit too much to change my lifestyle. I'm just gonna buy another liver.

Merrick would have been an interesting character if he wasn't just a walking God Complex, a characteristic of his they explicitly mention once and imply again on a seperate occasion. Also I liked the one crazy clone with his trying to figure out the lottery, and the one resentful clone who had been there seven years.
Part III Total: 10 points


IV. Various Effects (20 points):
Now I'm finally going to touch on the Michael Bay thing. If there is one nice thing you can say about Michael Bay it's that he really knows how to shoot action without all the CG and things. The explosions were big and loud, the vehicles were fast, there were lots of impacts, lots of getting dirty and driving around... And the first hour of the film was the best part for me because for some reason I really liked the inside of the clone facility, it was so weird and white and structured, but I guess that was the point. The soundtrack is mindbogglingly hilarious; I think it was just one techno loop for two hours. Techno harsh beat while walking down the hallway as corridors whoosh past courtesy of a convenient Doppler effect. Nice.
Part IV Total: 15 points

V. Personal Modifiers (20 points):
Va. Wanton Cartoony Violence (2 points): 2 points
Lots. Of. Things. Blowing Up.
Vb. Morgan Freeman Factor (2 points): 0 points
Vc. Psuedo-Social Commentary (2 points): 2 points
Semi-relevant issues if they had actually gotten around to working with them
Vd. Ewan McGregor Factor (2 points): 2 points
YOU CANNOT LOOK AWAY FROM HIS MOLE
Ve. Smarminess/Wittiness (2 points): 2 point
There was some serious cheesy dialogue here...but I think Tom Lincoln was smarmy enough for everyone.
Vf. Liam Neeson Factor (2 points): 0 points
Vg. Gary Oldman Factor (2 points): 0 points
Vh. Kilt Factor (2 points): 0 points
Vi. Christopher Walken Factor (2 points): 0 points
Vj. Definitive Line of Dialogue (2 points): 2 points
"People will do anything to survive." Yeah, I noticed. Funny how these clones who are so desperate just for a chance to live are willing to injure and/or kill everyone who is opposing them with nary a flicker of conscience. Of course, it's ok, because they are all BAD MEN, EvilEwan included.
Part V Total: 10 points

VI. Bonus/Minus:
VIa. Other Movies I Thought Of (-1 point per movie): -2 points
1. Logan's Run: Guy and Girl on run from society trying to destroy them, need I elaborate?
2. The Matrix: Gee I'm glad this false reality is here to lend most of us that sense of vain complacency.
VIb. Degrees of Seperation from LOTR (1 point each): 1 point
Sean Bean, who plays the character Merrick, played Boromir in Fellowship and Two Towers.
VIc. Degrees of Seperation from Star Wars (1 point each): 1 point
Ewan McGregor of Obi-Wan Kenobi fame
VId. That Stupid Effect of Liquid Hitting the Camera Like We, the Audience, are Video-Taping the Events (-2 points): 0 points
VIf. Specific Other Things that Bothered or Amused Me (+/-1 point each):
1. Double your pleasure, double your fun! Two Ewan McGregors are better than one! 1 point
2. Scarlett Johansson is one hott lady, I must say. 1 point
3. Big honking fan: I know that thing will blow up by the end of the movie. And so it did. 1 point
4. Why is there a truck carting around train wheels when it was made clear earlier in the film that trains don't have wheels anymore?
-1 point
5. BOOM DAMN BOOM WEE 1 point
6. Ok, how can anyone fall eighty stories in a giant R and emerge practically unscathed? Even McGregor and Johansson's combined powers of THE SEXY wouldn't save them there. -1 point
7. "Contain the situation!" Yeah, sure, let me do that here by firing into the crowd in reckless abandon! -1 point
8. The sudden and unnecessary sex scene, dramatization as follows:
Jordan Two-Delta: Hey, gimme a kiss.
Lincoln Six-Echo: Oh my God you have BOOBS
*They get shirtless* 1 point
Part VI Total: 2 points

Total Points: 62 points

Summary: This is not the movie of the year. It was never going to be. It had the kiss of death as soon as it was given to Michael Bay. It is not a movie you should see if you want to think very hard about anything. But it is so freaking over-the-top (so over-the-top I don't think over-the-top describes how over-the-top it really was) all the time that I thought it pushed itself over the edge from terrible back to entertaining again. And if that doesn't inspire confidence, enjoy this picture from the movie set.

I'm Ewan McGregor and I'm eating what appears to be some sort of pie from the top of a trashcan!